Sea change

I haven’t posted in my livejournal (now evolved into this journal) since August. Since before I became employed again. I think I was busy. And holding my breath. And arching my foot so that the other shoe would not drop. But life is continuing. And I am feeling a core of happiness. Which is worrying: I still wait for that shoe to fall from my foot. The happiness is growing.

I read this interview with PJ Harvey about her record ‘Let England Shake’. She says

…I think it’s very normal to any human being that you reach these certain markers in your life and you think, ‘is this still right or is there something else I could be doing with my life that would be more beneficial to me and to others?’

My life feels like, in retrospect, a patchwork stitched with those moments she describes.
But.
Only now.
Do I feel that I’m getting closer to answering that question of myself honestly. Or, in any case, more selfishly.

She says

That was what I wanted to do: do the thing that I feel most compelled to do, and take very seriously. I want to give something back of worth, I want to make something worthwhile and meaningful.

In the past those moments she describes have led me towards vegetarianism, veganism, working with communities, staying in one place. I’ve been looking for something I want for me, just me, as well. I’ve chosen in the past my profession, my sport. There’s always been an element of fear and backing off from the point of when something matters so much that losing it would…

She says

Ha! I’m not quite sure where I’ll go next. It takes quite some time for me to work out what feels right. All I do know is I won’t be doing the same thing again. I’ve also enjoyed discovering this new way of writing and I would like to continue that more.

I guess I have to make some decisions, as not everything or everyone fits into my life as it is right now. I am exploring, and discovering. And now, finally, creating with a gradual confidence. My purpose developing in the way that a photograph does: revealing an image that was there already but un-viewable.

Lovesong, The Cure.